This blog is a little late because I was trying to work out where it was going. It has been in the works for ages!
The shooting in California will bring out many issues: gun control, mental health care, but for me the big societal issue is male entitlement. I read Elliot Rogers’ manifesto. He sounded like many things, but one thing in it stuck out of me. Elliot Rogers thought that he was entitled to have sex with beautiful women.
In my opinion, there are rights that people are entitled to have, but the right to have sex and relationships is not one of them.
Elliot’s sense of entitlement is one that he shares with many men. We may want to deny it, but I see it all the time. In the city at night, men go to nightclubs looking for sex. I have had many try to hit on me and get annoyed when I reject their advances. I do so politely – I am never rude. Yet I was still hit with a scarf and angrily growled at when I rejected invitations for drinks and dancing during the period of my life when I did the nightclubbing thing (this has passed now). Women are sometimes considered to be arrogant and fussy if they reject the advances of men who are interested in them. I have been told to continue dating men who I am not attracted to just in case a slow burn spark ignites because he is such a nice guy, and he deserves a girlfriend.
Then there is the conversations I have with lovely women in the world who tell other lovely women that they deserve more than they are getting in their relationships or deserve nice partners. I am told I deserve a nice boy. I disagree. I was dating a guy who was treating me like optional used horseshit last year, and I was told that I deserved better. I also disagree with this. Some of you, my friends will be angry when you read these sentences. Read my reasoning below.
There are two assumptions I have problems with:
1) the assumption that men want sex, and women hold back
2) the assumption that every person deserves a partner, male or female, whatever works for them, for whatever purposes (sex, relationships, games of Twister…).
Assumption (1) is wrong. If I could have sex with someone fun, I would. I like it. My one beef with being single is that I get no sex. It is awesome, ok. There is a lack of people that I want to have sex with. In fact, there are none. But do I want sex. Yes, ohhhhhh yeessss, oh god, I do. I feel a need to link this scene… it will not go away. Am I entitled to it? No. No one is entitled to anything from anyone else without them wanting to give it – these things are about hormones and above all, what people decide to do.
As for relationships, well if someone finds a relationship that really makes them happy, well, the world has given them a gift and they should savour it, because thinking of it as an entitlement is maximum silly. Of course, I hope that one day I will meet a lovely bloke, but I do not think I deserve it. I do not think that the world owes it to me. The boy from last year was dumped, but that was not because I deserved better. It was because I decided to dump him (despite a severe hormonal reaction to him). I know many people who have had or who have relationships that make them miserable. Many of them are superstars, and do not deserve what they get. They chose it, so they get it.
For my part, there have been a few other auditionees, but none of them have made the cut. I define what I want from a relationship. If someone cannot provide what I want, they find themselves in my rear vision mirror or friendzone. I may get a lovely relationship and I may not. If I do get a lovely bloke in my life, I want to ensure that I keep honest about the realities of the relationship, and if it is a good relationship for me, I do not want to go around thinking. “I deserved that” because that will mean taking it for granted, and getting annoyed if someone does not match up with “what I deserve”.
If I end up dating someone, it will be about him deciding to be with me and the other way around. It is really that simple.
Summary: Relationships are about choices that people make in relation to each other, with a bit of luck about meeting people and attraction and not falling in love with serial killers. Not fate, or destiny, or people deserving things. That is bollacks, my friends.